YEAH!!!! My brother's wife recently gave birth to beautiful, healthy twins. I am an Auntie and it's kinda strange to think of my 'baby' brother being a Dad, but I am so proud of him and happy for him that I could BURST!!!
New life is always energizing and special. God Bless my brother and his wife and their new additions!!!
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Lost Love
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I don't think the person that said that understood much about loss. Lost love is a bitch. Maybe it's just that love is a bitch. That image of love that you learn about as a little girl is more bullshit than it's possible to swallow. I don't mean to say that I don't believe in love or that love is some kind of made up thing that we all learn about as children but can never really experience. I mean that love is work. Love takes effort. Love is painful and messy and challenging. That effortless fairytale love that you learn about as a kid is exactly that, a fairytale.
I have loved many people in my life. Most of those people, by God's grace and blessing, remain a part of my life. There have only been a couple that I have truly lost. But that doesn't mean that I don't suffer over the loss of love. I sometimes wonder what my fate is with regard to love. Am I destined to spend the rest of my life searching for the kind of love that lasts a lifetime? Is there even such a thing? It seems to me that whenever you hear about lasting love, it ends tragically. Romeo and Juliet. Anthony and Cleopatra. The Bronte sisters wrote about that tragic kind of love.
My parents loved each other once but they didn't last. My ex-wife and I loved each other and that ended too. In my most recent days, I let go of someone out of love and now that is over as well. For me, when love ends, the pain that's left behind is an aching place that heals ever so slowly. Then, that part of my heart, that I gave so willingly, becomes a scarred place full of memories that forever belongs to the lost. How many times can a heart heal and scab over before it loses it's capacity to love again? I wonder.
I learned a long time ago that humans are not solitary creatures. We are meant to bond and live out our lives in concert with another. If this is true, then there is someone out there for all of us, for me too. I hope my heart maintains it's capacity for open, unconditional, honest, messy, tragic, unexplainable, beautiful, magical, wonderful love. I live in the hope that I will someday find that love which last through my lifetime.
I have loved many people in my life. Most of those people, by God's grace and blessing, remain a part of my life. There have only been a couple that I have truly lost. But that doesn't mean that I don't suffer over the loss of love. I sometimes wonder what my fate is with regard to love. Am I destined to spend the rest of my life searching for the kind of love that lasts a lifetime? Is there even such a thing? It seems to me that whenever you hear about lasting love, it ends tragically. Romeo and Juliet. Anthony and Cleopatra. The Bronte sisters wrote about that tragic kind of love.
My parents loved each other once but they didn't last. My ex-wife and I loved each other and that ended too. In my most recent days, I let go of someone out of love and now that is over as well. For me, when love ends, the pain that's left behind is an aching place that heals ever so slowly. Then, that part of my heart, that I gave so willingly, becomes a scarred place full of memories that forever belongs to the lost. How many times can a heart heal and scab over before it loses it's capacity to love again? I wonder.
I learned a long time ago that humans are not solitary creatures. We are meant to bond and live out our lives in concert with another. If this is true, then there is someone out there for all of us, for me too. I hope my heart maintains it's capacity for open, unconditional, honest, messy, tragic, unexplainable, beautiful, magical, wonderful love. I live in the hope that I will someday find that love which last through my lifetime.
Monday, March 15, 2010
In the Shadow of Dragons . . .
I just finished watching a documentary about a 15 year old boy who was suffering from bipolar disorder and committed suicide. While I see the tradgedy in this loss for his family and his friends, I also feel a certain kinship with this child lost so young.
At 20 years old, I wasn't sure I would make it to 30. The year I turned 30, I had a wonderful birthday celebration because I felt so blessed to have reached this significant milestone. I am not sure why life saw fit to send a major storm into my world that year which tore apart the life I had been so thankful for making it to enjoy. I feel like I have been trying to emerge from that storm ever since. Now, I wonder about 40. I wonder if I will see it. Truthfully, most days, the only thing keeping me putting one foot in front of the other are the people around me who would be devastated by my loss. My own life isn't what motivates me. It's how my life, or rather my death, will affect others that keeps me going. I pray that I never reach a point where selfishness takes over and I decide I don't care anymore about how my loss will affect others.
When I was in my late teens, I had a therapist that I told I saw dragons behind my face. This wasn't a literal 'seeing' (that's another illness entirely!) but more a figurative expression of my own bipolar disorder. They aren't scary dragons as the image that the word brings to mind. In truth, these dragons are beautiful, coiled and silent. When the depression is under control, the dragons are asleep. When my illness is raging, the dragons are swirling but, oddly, they remain silent. This silence is the expression of my innermost pain. I know how my illness works. I know better than anyone how I suffer and what the symptoms are. I also know what needs to be done to keep the dragons coiled and still. Sometimes knowing, intellectually, and living with something in reality are such different things. I have learned to live with the dragons, to see them as they are swirling or still, but I also feel that someday the dragons will emerge, raging and roaring. I wonder what will happen that day and whether or not I will survive it.
These days, numbness is my friend. I don't allow myself to feel my feelings for fear that they will take me over completely. The feelings are so negative and so strong. Crying spells are rare but hope and faith are even more rare. I watch the dragons swirling and fighting them takes more and more of my energy. I don't think that fighting is even the right word, containing is probably a better expression. I contain them so that I continue to survive. I contain them so that I don't hurt the people I love the most by giving in and allowing them to take over. I contain them because not to do so is to succumb to the silence and be devoured by these beautiful monsters. When I am honest with myself, I know that I want to give in to the dragons and give up on my life. Instead, I keep watching and waiting.
Recently, my mother told me to focus on my brother and his wife's coming children and find light in the lives that will soon begin. She told me to think of them and the joy they will soon experience. This has turned out to be a double edged sword. In the shadow of dragons, I look at their coming blessing and feel the loss of my own. I always wanted to have a baby myself, but life had other plans. It's another way in which I feel loss and failure. I am so happy for my brother and his wife, but I also see what I will never have and that makes me sad. Happiness for them and sadness for myself . . . life in the shadow of the dragons.
Dragons are angry and selfish, lonely and scared. Dragons are raging and silent and I am the life that they share.
At 20 years old, I wasn't sure I would make it to 30. The year I turned 30, I had a wonderful birthday celebration because I felt so blessed to have reached this significant milestone. I am not sure why life saw fit to send a major storm into my world that year which tore apart the life I had been so thankful for making it to enjoy. I feel like I have been trying to emerge from that storm ever since. Now, I wonder about 40. I wonder if I will see it. Truthfully, most days, the only thing keeping me putting one foot in front of the other are the people around me who would be devastated by my loss. My own life isn't what motivates me. It's how my life, or rather my death, will affect others that keeps me going. I pray that I never reach a point where selfishness takes over and I decide I don't care anymore about how my loss will affect others.
When I was in my late teens, I had a therapist that I told I saw dragons behind my face. This wasn't a literal 'seeing' (that's another illness entirely!) but more a figurative expression of my own bipolar disorder. They aren't scary dragons as the image that the word brings to mind. In truth, these dragons are beautiful, coiled and silent. When the depression is under control, the dragons are asleep. When my illness is raging, the dragons are swirling but, oddly, they remain silent. This silence is the expression of my innermost pain. I know how my illness works. I know better than anyone how I suffer and what the symptoms are. I also know what needs to be done to keep the dragons coiled and still. Sometimes knowing, intellectually, and living with something in reality are such different things. I have learned to live with the dragons, to see them as they are swirling or still, but I also feel that someday the dragons will emerge, raging and roaring. I wonder what will happen that day and whether or not I will survive it.
These days, numbness is my friend. I don't allow myself to feel my feelings for fear that they will take me over completely. The feelings are so negative and so strong. Crying spells are rare but hope and faith are even more rare. I watch the dragons swirling and fighting them takes more and more of my energy. I don't think that fighting is even the right word, containing is probably a better expression. I contain them so that I continue to survive. I contain them so that I don't hurt the people I love the most by giving in and allowing them to take over. I contain them because not to do so is to succumb to the silence and be devoured by these beautiful monsters. When I am honest with myself, I know that I want to give in to the dragons and give up on my life. Instead, I keep watching and waiting.
Recently, my mother told me to focus on my brother and his wife's coming children and find light in the lives that will soon begin. She told me to think of them and the joy they will soon experience. This has turned out to be a double edged sword. In the shadow of dragons, I look at their coming blessing and feel the loss of my own. I always wanted to have a baby myself, but life had other plans. It's another way in which I feel loss and failure. I am so happy for my brother and his wife, but I also see what I will never have and that makes me sad. Happiness for them and sadness for myself . . . life in the shadow of the dragons.
Dragons are angry and selfish, lonely and scared. Dragons are raging and silent and I am the life that they share.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Wandering In the Dark
For so long now, I have felt like I was wandering around in the dark. As I look back on the scattered entries of this blog, I see that there have been places of light but I can't seem to orient myself in the light permanently. Always, the darkness seems to descend again and I am back at the beginning. Am I destined to wander forever? Did I get so lost somewhere along the way that the glimpses of light are all I can hope for? Have I lost touch with my own inspiration? When I ask myself these questions, really thinking about the answers that are within me but somehow out of reach, I find that all I can do is weep. The tears come easily, sometimes noiselessly, leaving silent trails on my cheeks. Sometimes the tears come in great heaving sobs with running nose and blubbering words. However they come, they bring with them a sadness so profound that it threatens to drown me.
Where is my voice? I will be 36 years old this year, closer to 40 than I care to think about and still I haven't 'found my way'. I am raising children. My job is to help them find their way in the world. What kind of an example do I set when I am so completely lost myself? More painful questions! I know I exist in the dark because when I think about my life, really think about it, I feel empty, cold, unsucessful. More accurately, I feel like a failure.
I want to write. I want to teach. I want to be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. It's not enough anymore to just survive. I want to LIVE! I want to be the person I dreamed I would be when I was a child. I want, I want, I want!!!! The question is . . . . HOW? Where to begin? How do I wander out of this overbearing darkness and find the light within myself again? Where do I begin?
Where is my voice? I will be 36 years old this year, closer to 40 than I care to think about and still I haven't 'found my way'. I am raising children. My job is to help them find their way in the world. What kind of an example do I set when I am so completely lost myself? More painful questions! I know I exist in the dark because when I think about my life, really think about it, I feel empty, cold, unsucessful. More accurately, I feel like a failure.
I want to write. I want to teach. I want to be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. It's not enough anymore to just survive. I want to LIVE! I want to be the person I dreamed I would be when I was a child. I want, I want, I want!!!! The question is . . . . HOW? Where to begin? How do I wander out of this overbearing darkness and find the light within myself again? Where do I begin?
Monday, June 15, 2009
'Box Business'
First, many thanks to my mother's friend John for the title of this blog entry.
Secondly, let's take this time to really think on 'boxes'. They can be very useful things when used correctly. This entry ISN'T about those folks that are using them correctly.
Third, again borrowing from my mother's friend John, I find I have a certain 'righteous anger' towards those who misuse the box.
Now, we all know the people that misuse the boxes. They are surrounded by boxes themselves, inside and out and they long to place the rest of us in boxes as well. The boxes themselves would be harmless if they didn't carry THE LABELS!!! You know! . . . There's the race label, the sexuality label, the gender label, the weight label, the list goes on and on, the nation label, the religious label. This is what makes the boxes TRULY HEAVY!
For myself, I look at this 'box business' as deeply personal. I fit in so many boxes. I will 'choose a box' to live in when I can wake up in the morning and choose to be either black, female, lesbian, heavy, compassionate, or any one of the many things that I am each and every day, not by choice, but by design.
Secondly, let's take this time to really think on 'boxes'. They can be very useful things when used correctly. This entry ISN'T about those folks that are using them correctly.
Third, again borrowing from my mother's friend John, I find I have a certain 'righteous anger' towards those who misuse the box.
Now, we all know the people that misuse the boxes. They are surrounded by boxes themselves, inside and out and they long to place the rest of us in boxes as well. The boxes themselves would be harmless if they didn't carry THE LABELS!!! You know! . . . There's the race label, the sexuality label, the gender label, the weight label, the list goes on and on, the nation label, the religious label. This is what makes the boxes TRULY HEAVY!
For myself, I look at this 'box business' as deeply personal. I fit in so many boxes. I will 'choose a box' to live in when I can wake up in the morning and choose to be either black, female, lesbian, heavy, compassionate, or any one of the many things that I am each and every day, not by choice, but by design.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
SOAR . . .
'It's called a "leap of faith" . . . because there is strength in daring to take the leap . . . and the faith happens . . . just before you realize . . . that you have begun to fly.'
- Hallmark/Mahogany E-card.
My Mom sent me this quote in an Alvin Ailey e-card, yesterday evening, and I only just checked my mail at nearly 5 am today. Interestingly, I was browsing a old local paper early tonight and found an advertisement for Alvin Ailey coming to my town in April '09. I don't believe in coincidences. Troubled by sleeplessness, I just happened to turn on the computer. This quote RESONATES with me. I am creating my way in the world, daily.
I feel, in some intuitive way, that I am standing on the edge of my life's true greatness. I don't know how close, in time, I am to that moment, but it's there, poised in the unseen, waiting to enter the full frame of my life and change it forever. My LEAP is coming. I ask the Universe to 'conspire for my benefit' and bring that moment into the NOW. I INTEND to be fully concious and recognize it EXACTLY so that I may ACT.
I have another quote that relates to this one which includes a reference to my personal talisman. This one is on the front of a journal I bought for myself, recently.
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.
- Proverb (from Quotable cards journal)
Butterflies start out as 'ugly, wiggly, earthbound things', but the POWER OF TRANSFORMATION
allows them to soar. I love you, Mommy, and I eagerly anticipate my wings.
All is well in my world.
- Hallmark/Mahogany E-card.
My Mom sent me this quote in an Alvin Ailey e-card, yesterday evening, and I only just checked my mail at nearly 5 am today. Interestingly, I was browsing a old local paper early tonight and found an advertisement for Alvin Ailey coming to my town in April '09. I don't believe in coincidences. Troubled by sleeplessness, I just happened to turn on the computer. This quote RESONATES with me. I am creating my way in the world, daily.
I feel, in some intuitive way, that I am standing on the edge of my life's true greatness. I don't know how close, in time, I am to that moment, but it's there, poised in the unseen, waiting to enter the full frame of my life and change it forever. My LEAP is coming. I ask the Universe to 'conspire for my benefit' and bring that moment into the NOW. I INTEND to be fully concious and recognize it EXACTLY so that I may ACT.
I have another quote that relates to this one which includes a reference to my personal talisman. This one is on the front of a journal I bought for myself, recently.
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.
- Proverb (from Quotable cards journal)
Butterflies start out as 'ugly, wiggly, earthbound things', but the POWER OF TRANSFORMATION
allows them to soar. I love you, Mommy, and I eagerly anticipate my wings.
All is well in my world.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Eat, Pray, Love
I recently read Elizabeth Gilberts' book: Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman‘s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia. A close friend of mine read the first 20 pages and INSISTED that I HAD TO read the book myself. When she called me to talk about it, I happened to be sitting in the parking lot of Barnes and Nobel about to go inside to look for something to read. What a coincidence! NOT!!! I read the first 20 pages and immediately understood why I needed to read the book.
The author was telling the story of my own life experience for the last four years through hers. Her journey even begins at the same age that the most painful time in my life began! I was immediately taken in by her style of writing, her honesty and the raw emotion she seemed to leak onto every page. Sometimes the book was difficult for me because her emotions caused such a DRASTIC emotional response in me. I would put it down, cry for a while and then make my way back to reading again. I admire Ms. Gilberts' ability to infuse even the most heart wrenching experience with humor. I was all at the same time devastated, inspired, amused, heart broken and uplifted by her book. I strongly suggest that anyone who feels deep inside that they need desperately to change /reclaim their life read this book. Her journey has so many lessons to teach about healing, love and survival that it should not be missed.
I finished the book feeling somewhat disappointed. Not because there was ANYTHING disappointing about the book itself. In all honesty, I was looking for a magic answer, in classic 21st century fashion, I waited for the exact secret to make everything in my life perfect! Though I recognized so much of myself in the first section of the book in Italy, when she is working her way through the aftermath of a divorce and the process of finding herself again, I felt left behind as she moves on to India and begins her healing process through meditation at the Ashram. Once she reaches Bali and I was witness to her incredible transformation, I was so happy for her, but desperately sad for myself. I felt this way because I couldn't imagine how I could find or move through a process for myself that would allow me to reach a place of peace and self-recognition and I expected her to provide that answer for me. to a certain extent that means I missed to message of the book. Self journey is about self. My answer could not be the same as hers and though our experiences were similar, our paths could not be the same. I did gain something from the book (among many things!) that I felt sure would help me on my path to reclaiming my life.
In another one of those non-coincidental coincidences, the type of yoga that she studies and the Guru that she studied under were introduced to me when I was in my late teens and experiencing my first psychiatric hospitalization. The doctor who treated me was a devoted follower and shared the teachings with me as part of my recovery. At the time, I was young and unable to understand the significance of these teachings or how they might help heal my depression. As I look back on it now, I recognize that the circle of my life has brought me back to that place through a book by divine design. I have been asking God in desperate late night tears to 'work on me' and help me find myself again. He chose to speak to me in the way that I would be most likely to hear. He talked to me through a book. I am a true bibliophile and have been since I learned to read at 4 years old. God could not have chosen a better way to answer my cries for guidance.
I have written a letter to the doctor and hope that we will be able to begin a correspondence that will help me to go on my journey of self-discovery and move further along in my quest for actualization. I can't imagine that many people haven't heard about this book but in case you haven't, pick it up, whether you are in a place of crisis or not, you will take something useful, funny and beautiful away from the story Elizabeth Gilbert tells!
Peace and Blessings.
The author was telling the story of my own life experience for the last four years through hers. Her journey even begins at the same age that the most painful time in my life began! I was immediately taken in by her style of writing, her honesty and the raw emotion she seemed to leak onto every page. Sometimes the book was difficult for me because her emotions caused such a DRASTIC emotional response in me. I would put it down, cry for a while and then make my way back to reading again. I admire Ms. Gilberts' ability to infuse even the most heart wrenching experience with humor. I was all at the same time devastated, inspired, amused, heart broken and uplifted by her book. I strongly suggest that anyone who feels deep inside that they need desperately to change /reclaim their life read this book. Her journey has so many lessons to teach about healing, love and survival that it should not be missed.
I finished the book feeling somewhat disappointed. Not because there was ANYTHING disappointing about the book itself. In all honesty, I was looking for a magic answer, in classic 21st century fashion, I waited for the exact secret to make everything in my life perfect! Though I recognized so much of myself in the first section of the book in Italy, when she is working her way through the aftermath of a divorce and the process of finding herself again, I felt left behind as she moves on to India and begins her healing process through meditation at the Ashram. Once she reaches Bali and I was witness to her incredible transformation, I was so happy for her, but desperately sad for myself. I felt this way because I couldn't imagine how I could find or move through a process for myself that would allow me to reach a place of peace and self-recognition and I expected her to provide that answer for me. to a certain extent that means I missed to message of the book. Self journey is about self. My answer could not be the same as hers and though our experiences were similar, our paths could not be the same. I did gain something from the book (among many things!) that I felt sure would help me on my path to reclaiming my life.
In another one of those non-coincidental coincidences, the type of yoga that she studies and the Guru that she studied under were introduced to me when I was in my late teens and experiencing my first psychiatric hospitalization. The doctor who treated me was a devoted follower and shared the teachings with me as part of my recovery. At the time, I was young and unable to understand the significance of these teachings or how they might help heal my depression. As I look back on it now, I recognize that the circle of my life has brought me back to that place through a book by divine design. I have been asking God in desperate late night tears to 'work on me' and help me find myself again. He chose to speak to me in the way that I would be most likely to hear. He talked to me through a book. I am a true bibliophile and have been since I learned to read at 4 years old. God could not have chosen a better way to answer my cries for guidance.
I have written a letter to the doctor and hope that we will be able to begin a correspondence that will help me to go on my journey of self-discovery and move further along in my quest for actualization. I can't imagine that many people haven't heard about this book but in case you haven't, pick it up, whether you are in a place of crisis or not, you will take something useful, funny and beautiful away from the story Elizabeth Gilbert tells!
Peace and Blessings.
Reflections on Reflections
I started this blog over a year ago and I haven't been a very faithful writer. I used to think this was due to lack of discipline. Recently, I have come to the conclusion that I have been afraid to write about all the things that I have been thinking and feeling. As a matter of fact, fear of the intensity of my thoughts and emotions has prevented me from writing in my journals as well. I have done just about everything I can to encourage myself to write somewhere. I've bought new journals (one as recently as two days ago!), resurrected old ones for new uses and even resorted to a set of pretty multicolored gel ink pens so that I could write in a different color each time. None of these things have worked . . . . because I am afraid of the depth, seriousness, emotion and possible implications of the things I have been hiding from inside my head.
This is a very strange development for me. I survived the greater majority of my childhood and young adulthood by keeping journals. Somewhere among my many boxes in storage are all the journals I have keep since the very first one I was given at 9 years old. It's particularly painful to go back and read that journal because I was nine and lacked all sophisitcation (as 9 year olds should). It's hard reading for a 32 year old. A friend of mine noted for me at a much more stable time in my life that maybe my need for journaling decreased because there was relative peace in my life. If her theory is correct, in light of the course of my life recently, I should be writing CONSTANTLY!!!
I am going to try once again to keep up with this blog and/or my written journal. I am still in the same searching mode I was in which inspired me to start this blog. The CRITICAL difference is that my life is in a much less uplifted place than it was when I started. Truthfully, I feel more lost than ever. Perhaps this is a lack of reflection over the course of the last year and a half. I have been VERY MUCH on autopilot; almost to the point of being a spectator in my own life! I look around sometimes and wonder who's life I am living.
Here's hoping I can get back on the journey's path and accomplish some self-searching. I fear that if I do not, I will wake up one morning 10 years from now and my life will 'no longer resemble me'.
This is a very strange development for me. I survived the greater majority of my childhood and young adulthood by keeping journals. Somewhere among my many boxes in storage are all the journals I have keep since the very first one I was given at 9 years old. It's particularly painful to go back and read that journal because I was nine and lacked all sophisitcation (as 9 year olds should). It's hard reading for a 32 year old. A friend of mine noted for me at a much more stable time in my life that maybe my need for journaling decreased because there was relative peace in my life. If her theory is correct, in light of the course of my life recently, I should be writing CONSTANTLY!!!
I am going to try once again to keep up with this blog and/or my written journal. I am still in the same searching mode I was in which inspired me to start this blog. The CRITICAL difference is that my life is in a much less uplifted place than it was when I started. Truthfully, I feel more lost than ever. Perhaps this is a lack of reflection over the course of the last year and a half. I have been VERY MUCH on autopilot; almost to the point of being a spectator in my own life! I look around sometimes and wonder who's life I am living.
Here's hoping I can get back on the journey's path and accomplish some self-searching. I fear that if I do not, I will wake up one morning 10 years from now and my life will 'no longer resemble me'.
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