For so long now, I have felt like I was wandering around in the dark. As I look back on the scattered entries of this blog, I see that there have been places of light but I can't seem to orient myself in the light permanently. Always, the darkness seems to descend again and I am back at the beginning. Am I destined to wander forever? Did I get so lost somewhere along the way that the glimpses of light are all I can hope for? Have I lost touch with my own inspiration? When I ask myself these questions, really thinking about the answers that are within me but somehow out of reach, I find that all I can do is weep. The tears come easily, sometimes noiselessly, leaving silent trails on my cheeks. Sometimes the tears come in great heaving sobs with running nose and blubbering words. However they come, they bring with them a sadness so profound that it threatens to drown me.
Where is my voice? I will be 36 years old this year, closer to 40 than I care to think about and still I haven't 'found my way'. I am raising children. My job is to help them find their way in the world. What kind of an example do I set when I am so completely lost myself? More painful questions! I know I exist in the dark because when I think about my life, really think about it, I feel empty, cold, unsucessful. More accurately, I feel like a failure.
I want to write. I want to teach. I want to be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. It's not enough anymore to just survive. I want to LIVE! I want to be the person I dreamed I would be when I was a child. I want, I want, I want!!!! The question is . . . . HOW? Where to begin? How do I wander out of this overbearing darkness and find the light within myself again? Where do I begin?