Some Thoughts on Conciousness

Ok, so I am in the midst of this explorative journey, and I am distinctly lacking in direction. I am a Christian and I believe in God. I also believe that God equips us to discover ourselves through personal enrichment activities. I look to my Bible for guidance and I pray for discernment, but I also have to put my own mind to use in the process. There is an old Russian expression , 'Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.'

That having been said, when I was in my twenties I was very suspicious of and skeptical about self-help books. I guess there was a part of me that felt my intellect should be sufficient to resolve any issues I might come up against. I was also regularly attending therapy and figured whatever needed to be resolved would come up therein. Now, at 32, I find myself gravitating towards the self-help section in my local book megastore. But those trips often leave me feeling entirely overwhelmed. It is unbelievable the plethora of topics for which self-help books have been written. From Dr. Phil (Self-Matters) to Stephen Covey (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) to Iyanla Vanzant (In the Meantime), all three of which I own, you can find a book to help you with just about any issue you face in life. It's a multi-million dollar industry. However, inspite of the reading I have done, I have only been able to glean fundamental concepts. There is no 'magic pill'. Self-discovery takes work. You can't read your way to knowing yourself, no matter how much reading you do. Action and deliberateness are required. My therapist refers to this as living conciously.

How do you go about living conciously? I believe the first key is to understand that you can't do it all the time. The emotional energy it takes to be present each and every moment would overwhelm the most grounded of people. To always be paying attention to what you think, say and do as well as always paying attention to the world around you is asking alot. Sometimes you just HAVE TO be on autopilot to give your brain an opportunity to rest. Lately I have been paying attention to how much I 'pay attention' and I have realized that I am barely concious most of the time. From rising in the morning to laying down at night, I am usually on autopilot. Through daily effort, I am trying to teach myself to be more aware. My goal is to train myself to navigate each and every day with my eyes as open and focused as possible. Autopilot is now reserved for the moments when my brain needs a break to recharge so I can be present for the next experience life throws my way.

Butterfly

An ugly wiggly earth bound thing
Searches for green life
And
Gorges itself
In preparation for change
As the chrysalis forms

Impermeable

A miracle begins

A different spirit
Emerges
From murky skin

Revealing

Beauty once hidden by
Unrealized transformation

This new creature
with wings
Flying
In spite
Or maybe because of
It’s beginnings

A magnificent unprecedented being
Looking out on a world of possibilities
From above.

I Can and I Will

Recently my mother moved to Florida after living within an hour of me for over 9 years. I went to see her before she left and she gave me a very special gift.

First of all, no one orchestrates a move like my mother. She has done it so many times, she has it down to a science. She packed up her ENTIRE house in 4 days. When I walked in thinking I was there to help, there was little left to be done. At first, this made me very sad. That she should be so adept at packing up her WHOLE LIFE is testament to the fact that she has done it many times before. Not only can she manage it quickly and efficiently but, as a long time friend of hers pointed out, she can also do it with LITTLE OR NO MONEY. It's amazing! When I mentioned to her that it made me kind of sad, she responded by saying she has always been one to pick up and move on to the next place. She's right. My mother is the 'rolling stone' in our family. Where I crave stability, consistency and settledness; Mommy is different. She is always prepared for the next adventure.

During my visit she told me that one of the reasons she was leaving was because she wanted my brother and I to be able to live our lives independent of her. The she didn't want her care and well being to be our responsibility. While I understand her logic there, I also bristled at the idea. I mean, she took care of us. We can certainly return the favor. I don't think I said that to her at the time. I love my Mom and I have always felt that her care should be my brother and I's responsibility when the time came.

She was afraid I felt she was abandoning me. That thought never crossed my mind. In life we have to do what we have to do to take care of ourselves. My Mom NEEDED to move to Florida for her own well being, financial security and sanity. She expressed that she wanted me to focus on relying on myself and my own strengths and to beleive more in my own ability. She gave me a mantra to put anywhere I needed it and use as my guiding phrase. I CAN AND I WILL.

I miss my Mom alot, but I have her with me all the time in this one little phrase. I can hear her saying it and see her smiling when she does. As I look at the work that I am trying to do now to find and reach my personal potential, my Mom gave me something fundamental to my success . . . I CAN AND I WILL.

Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson, Return to Love

The first time I heard this quote was towards the end of the film Coach Carter and I had to go out and find it. I came across the original text in my search. It has profound meaning for me, especially right now, because I am trying to find a way to tap into the divine within myself, stop being my own worst enemy, reach into my soul and find my true potential. I am searching for that potential, as a parent, a partner, a lover, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a citizen of the world. I don't want to make any fundamental changes to who I am, I just want to figure out how to become more myself everday. I am choosing to have a positive impact on my own life in a very deliberate way so that I can have that same affect on others. From my perspective, this is the essence of what Marianne Williamson's is saying.

I think this kind of searching is part and parcel of personal evolution. Unfortunately, it is usually the diversity in life that leads us to the greatest growth. I am fond of saying that diamonds are formed under tremendous pressure. When we endure loss and face challenges, life is forcing us to develop in ways we haven't expected, anticipated or prepared for, but which are necessary to move on to the next level in our lives. I feel that life is refining and reshaping me to make the many facets of ME even more brilliant than they already are. The pressure on the coal is what makes it beautiful; without it all you have is an ugly brown rock.

At the same time as I am sure this is the case, I am lacking in direction. I am facing major life changes and I feel lost. Some of those changes are ones I need to make, have needed to make for some time others are coming whether I want them to or not and I need to prepare. At most junctures, I am controlled by my 'deepest fear' and I want to learn to step beyond it into the abundance I know my life has to offer.

I know I am not the only person who has found themselves standing at this crossroads. I know many have been here before me, many are right here with me and many will stand at the crossroads after me. No two of us will have the same experience. No two of us will go off in the same direction but all of us, hopefully, will find exactly the right path for ourselves through deep, meaningful reflection combined with a little dumb luck and alot of trial and error.

Goddess Bless me (and anyone else at the same place) on this necessary journey. It will be very interesting to share it with the readers of my blog.