I deleted some special pictures from my phone today. Though it was a simple task, easy to complete, it was harder on my heart than I expected. It was painful for reasons both good and bad. As I watched the images disappear into digital oblivion, I thought about how hard it has always been for me to close a chapter in my life, no matter how long or short. I also thought how equally difficult (more difficult?) I find it to open another.
I try hard not to think of the place I am at as another ending. I intend to look forward with optimism and see a new beginning instead. I see that others have moved on and it's certainly for the best. I wish them every joy and happiness. Admittedly, moving forward with enthusiasm, anticipation and hope has become quite a difficult task for me. I have come to dread the blind curves in the road before me and fear, almost irrationally, the looming things I cannot see ahead. I also know that this 'beginning' is another in a series of 'beginnings' with endings (not supposed to think of them that way but I'm being real) that have gone terribly wrong. In my mind, I understand that there were grave mistakes made on my part and lessons I had to learn.
It's been said, not sure by whom, 'with age comes wisdom.' If that's true, why is there so much in my life that I do not understand? Why, after countless hours and thousands of dollars in therapy, do I feel I have less understanding of myself than I ever have? Someone who loves me very much told me recently that I have become invisible even, if not especially, to myself. I'm not blurry or out of focus, as most of us get to be sometimes. I am just not there. How do I bring myself back from that?
People have told me to pray. I do. I haven't 'hit my knees' in a while, but God and I talk every day. I know s/he knows my heart. Maybe I need a booming voice or a burning bush to guide me as someome else I love likes to say. The subtle things don't seem to be helping me find my way. I have always believed that God understands about his/her children that we need to understand why things happen to us. We need to be able to rationalize, in the grand scheme, what the reasons are for our adversities. Knowing that God knows this, I hope to understand some day why I am wandering in my own personal wilderness. Maybe just that understanding will be my 'promised land.
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I don't mean to imply that I am the only person in the world who is suffering a serious crisis of identity. I know I am not alone. I know, just by reading my other entries on this blog, that there have been bright spots and revelations along the way. I guess I just feel like it's past the time to have 'arrived', past the time to have come to a place of understanding. Much like the Hebrews led by Moses and wandering for 40 years, I just want to get there. I want to understand.
This blog is about self-actualization. This blog was always meant to be about finding myself. I used to be able to clearly and definitively identify the places along my way where I'd gotten lost, how I got there and sometimes how to find my way back. Since fading into invisibility, it's harder to recognize the loss of my direction. In ways I am loathe to admit and to people who I truly love, I have become someone I and they don't recognize.
So, the question is, where to go from here. Right now, I am stuck. I am stagnant. I am in grave danger of the wilderness swallowing me up because I have even stopped wandering. Fear of and guilt about failures, real and imagined, have paralyzed me. The only answer I can think of is to find a way to resume wandering, to make some small peace with the wilderness and have hope that the journey will make me worthy and I will see the 'promised land' eventually. Someday I hope to understand.
