For so long now, I have felt like I was wandering around in the dark. As I look back on the scattered entries of this blog, I see that there have been places of light but I can't seem to orient myself in the light permanently. Always, the darkness seems to descend again and I am back at the beginning. Am I destined to wander forever? Did I get so lost somewhere along the way that the glimpses of light are all I can hope for? Have I lost touch with my own inspiration? When I ask myself these questions, really thinking about the answers that are within me but somehow out of reach, I find that all I can do is weep. The tears come easily, sometimes noiselessly, leaving silent trails on my cheeks. Sometimes the tears come in great heaving sobs with running nose and blubbering words. However they come, they bring with them a sadness so profound that it threatens to drown me.
Where is my voice? I will be 36 years old this year, closer to 40 than I care to think about and still I haven't 'found my way'. I am raising children. My job is to help them find their way in the world. What kind of an example do I set when I am so completely lost myself? More painful questions! I know I exist in the dark because when I think about my life, really think about it, I feel empty, cold, unsucessful. More accurately, I feel like a failure.
I want to write. I want to teach. I want to be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. It's not enough anymore to just survive. I want to LIVE! I want to be the person I dreamed I would be when I was a child. I want, I want, I want!!!! The question is . . . . HOW? Where to begin? How do I wander out of this overbearing darkness and find the light within myself again? Where do I begin?
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You know I think we all get lost at times...when we are 18 we have no fear and are ready to take on the world. We have all these ideas of how our life will go. Then life tosses in those little forks in the road and we end up turning a different way. We hurt ourselves on some of the paths, we let doubt slowly slide into who we are. Somewhere along the way we become "wives", "mother's", "work drones" and before we know it almost 40 is here. There is still time for you to sit down and write, take a couple of classes to work toward teaching. You give your children love, support and the honesty that life is not always the reality of our dreams. Who you are at the core is true, so hold on to that when the darkness brings it's vacation from the light. Take a moment and remember the little points of light. They might seem like they are few and far between, but you have them.
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