Reflections on Reflections

I started this blog over a year ago and I haven't been a very faithful writer. I used to think this was due to lack of discipline. Recently, I have come to the conclusion that I have been afraid to write about all the things that I have been thinking and feeling. As a matter of fact, fear of the intensity of my thoughts and emotions has prevented me from writing in my journals as well. I have done just about everything I can to encourage myself to write somewhere. I've bought new journals (one as recently as two days ago!), resurrected old ones for new uses and even resorted to a set of pretty multicolored gel ink pens so that I could write in a different color each time. None of these things have worked . . . . because I am afraid of the depth, seriousness, emotion and possible implications of the things I have been hiding from inside my head.

This is a very strange development for me. I survived the greater majority of my childhood and young adulthood by keeping journals. Somewhere among my many boxes in storage are all the journals I have keep since the very first one I was given at 9 years old. It's particularly painful to go back and read that journal because I was nine and lacked all sophisitcation (as 9 year olds should). It's hard reading for a 32 year old. A friend of mine noted for me at a much more stable time in my life that maybe my need for journaling decreased because there was relative peace in my life. If her theory is correct, in light of the course of my life recently, I should be writing CONSTANTLY!!!

I am going to try once again to keep up with this blog and/or my written journal. I am still in the same searching mode I was in which inspired me to start this blog. The CRITICAL difference is that my life is in a much less uplifted place than it was when I started. Truthfully, I feel more lost than ever. Perhaps this is a lack of reflection over the course of the last year and a half. I have been VERY MUCH on autopilot; almost to the point of being a spectator in my own life! I look around sometimes and wonder who's life I am living.

Here's hoping I can get back on the journey's path and accomplish some self-searching. I fear that if I do not, I will wake up one morning 10 years from now and my life will 'no longer resemble me'.