Eat, Pray, Love

I recently read Elizabeth Gilberts' book: Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman‘s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia. A close friend of mine read the first 20 pages and INSISTED that I HAD TO read the book myself. When she called me to talk about it, I happened to be sitting in the parking lot of Barnes and Nobel about to go inside to look for something to read. What a coincidence! NOT!!! I read the first 20 pages and immediately understood why I needed to read the book.

The author was telling the story of my own life experience for the last four years through hers. Her journey even begins at the same age that the most painful time in my life began! I was immediately taken in by her style of writing, her honesty and the raw emotion she seemed to leak onto every page. Sometimes the book was difficult for me because her emotions caused such a DRASTIC emotional response in me. I would put it down, cry for a while and then make my way back to reading again. I admire Ms. Gilberts' ability to infuse even the most heart wrenching experience with humor. I was all at the same time devastated, inspired, amused, heart broken and uplifted by her book. I strongly suggest that anyone who feels deep inside that they need desperately to change /reclaim their life read this book. Her journey has so many lessons to teach about healing, love and survival that it should not be missed.

I finished the book feeling somewhat disappointed. Not because there was ANYTHING disappointing about the book itself. In all honesty, I was looking for a magic answer, in classic 21st century fashion, I waited for the exact secret to make everything in my life perfect! Though I recognized so much of myself in the first section of the book in Italy, when she is working her way through the aftermath of a divorce and the process of finding herself again, I felt left behind as she moves on to India and begins her healing process through meditation at the Ashram. Once she reaches Bali and I was witness to her incredible transformation, I was so happy for her, but desperately sad for myself. I felt this way because I couldn't imagine how I could find or move through a process for myself that would allow me to reach a place of peace and self-recognition and I expected her to provide that answer for me. to a certain extent that means I missed to message of the book. Self journey is about self. My answer could not be the same as hers and though our experiences were similar, our paths could not be the same. I did gain something from the book (among many things!) that I felt sure would help me on my path to reclaiming my life.

In another one of those non-coincidental coincidences, the type of yoga that she studies and the Guru that she studied under were introduced to me when I was in my late teens and experiencing my first psychiatric hospitalization. The doctor who treated me was a devoted follower and shared the teachings with me as part of my recovery. At the time, I was young and unable to understand the significance of these teachings or how they might help heal my depression. As I look back on it now, I recognize that the circle of my life has brought me back to that place through a book by divine design. I have been asking God in desperate late night tears to 'work on me' and help me find myself again. He chose to speak to me in the way that I would be most likely to hear. He talked to me through a book. I am a true bibliophile and have been since I learned to read at 4 years old. God could not have chosen a better way to answer my cries for guidance.

I have written a letter to the doctor and hope that we will be able to begin a correspondence that will help me to go on my journey of self-discovery and move further along in my quest for actualization. I can't imagine that many people haven't heard about this book but in case you haven't, pick it up, whether you are in a place of crisis or not, you will take something useful, funny and beautiful away from the story Elizabeth Gilbert tells!

Peace and Blessings.

Reflections on Reflections

I started this blog over a year ago and I haven't been a very faithful writer. I used to think this was due to lack of discipline. Recently, I have come to the conclusion that I have been afraid to write about all the things that I have been thinking and feeling. As a matter of fact, fear of the intensity of my thoughts and emotions has prevented me from writing in my journals as well. I have done just about everything I can to encourage myself to write somewhere. I've bought new journals (one as recently as two days ago!), resurrected old ones for new uses and even resorted to a set of pretty multicolored gel ink pens so that I could write in a different color each time. None of these things have worked . . . . because I am afraid of the depth, seriousness, emotion and possible implications of the things I have been hiding from inside my head.

This is a very strange development for me. I survived the greater majority of my childhood and young adulthood by keeping journals. Somewhere among my many boxes in storage are all the journals I have keep since the very first one I was given at 9 years old. It's particularly painful to go back and read that journal because I was nine and lacked all sophisitcation (as 9 year olds should). It's hard reading for a 32 year old. A friend of mine noted for me at a much more stable time in my life that maybe my need for journaling decreased because there was relative peace in my life. If her theory is correct, in light of the course of my life recently, I should be writing CONSTANTLY!!!

I am going to try once again to keep up with this blog and/or my written journal. I am still in the same searching mode I was in which inspired me to start this blog. The CRITICAL difference is that my life is in a much less uplifted place than it was when I started. Truthfully, I feel more lost than ever. Perhaps this is a lack of reflection over the course of the last year and a half. I have been VERY MUCH on autopilot; almost to the point of being a spectator in my own life! I look around sometimes and wonder who's life I am living.

Here's hoping I can get back on the journey's path and accomplish some self-searching. I fear that if I do not, I will wake up one morning 10 years from now and my life will 'no longer resemble me'.