I beg you . . . to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer . . . Rainer Maria Rilke
Ok, raise your hand if you read this quote and feel like what she is asking is impossible!!! The first time I saw this quote, I re-read it two or three times before it sank it what she was talking about. Sometimes no matter how much we may want the answer to a question, living is the only answer there is.
Almost two years ago now, my ex and I broke up around an incidence of infidelity that turned into a relationship outside of our marriage. By the time I found out about it, she was already in love with the other person and the life we had built together was no longer important. I didn't understand then why our world was imploding. In the two years that have passed since the moment I found out, I have discovered MANY answers to the question or why through the simple act of living.
Before we began to fall apart, I was in therapy searching desperately for a deeper connection with my children. In the madness that followed the wake of our demise, I found that relationship. I came to understand that they needed me to be their Mom as much as they needed her, just in different ways. I found that I was fully capable of comforting them and providing for them on a daily basis without any help from anyone else if that was how it had to be.
Through patience, I am learning about facing the challenges of loving someone again. It has proven to be, by far, the hardest thing to do in the wake of breaking up a long term relationship. My heart is sometimes overly cautious and jaded. I find it hard to allow myself to be that vulnerable to another person again. The physical side of things has been simple compared to the challenge of opening up emotionally. Making a connection with another person and risking being hurt, rejected and/or abandoned again is so TERRIFYING. I have tried very hard to leave the damage of the relationship that ended out of my new one, but truthfully, the new relationship is somewhat a product of the old one ending, so it's very difficult to completely separate the two. It's hard not to bring the baggage that developed at the end of the other relationship into the new one because the fear is still there that the end is what I deserve, not a new beginning and that an ending will be coming along shortly to prove my theory. This has lead me to learn to be patient with myself.
I sincerely believe that God understands us so well. He knows what we need. When things in our lives are beyond our understanding, they don't remain so forever because God understands that we need to know, to keep our sanity, we need to see the purpose for our suffering. In my life, I have found, that God shows me the reason for my tradgedies. This allows me to look at my history without regret because I understand why the path had to be as it was. I am fond of saying that I would relive every moment of my life exactly as it was to be standing in exactly the same place because I would not want to have sacrificed any of the many blessings along the way. I may not have understood the reasons for the turns in the path as I walking it, but through patience, the reasons came to be clear.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
Epiphany
At 3 am on my fourth day of sleepless nights
I decided
I had to find a way to purge my soul
Release the pain I’d claimed some two years before
She said to me, ‘It’s unfortunate but there’s a third party involved.’
In that moment
Life I’d known disintegrated
Nothing I loved would ever be the same
Lonely nights followed
full of resounding silence and uncountable tears
My heart wrenched in ways words could never suffice to explain
I watched her
Nightly
Go to another woman’s bed and
Daily
Return
No longer lying to me
But now to herself
And
Our Children
Nearly always back at 6 AM donning sleeping clothes as though she’d never left.
I rarely challenged but lived in hope
Eventually she would come home
Remembering
The vows we’d exchanged
It didn’t happen
The house we’d bought together
Transformed
A cage I wandered helplessly in
For days of sleepless nights
And wondered why
A million times I thought
I would trade places with Her to be the one she loved again
All the while She wanted to be me
Why?
She possessed what had been most dear to me
Both of us in captured orbit around the planet
That only one could claim
The Beast (as I came to call Her) became the new gravity maker
I became inconsequential
Cook maid babysitter
A wife to one who wasn’t a wife anymore
Fast forward in slow motion through months of sometimes fighting
And
Always hoping
Admittedly
I searched for love in other places
Found comfort in familiar and unfamiliar arms
And yet
I reached back
Here and there now and then
To see if courses could be changed
Broken things mended
The response
Always the same
‘I’ll think about it.’
No other words ever came
The night I poured my heart out about the emptiness she’d left me with
She told me,
‘Fill that space up with your children.’
I raised my hands to her in rage
She expected me to do what she had not
I understood then there was nothing left to do but leave
That line
Once crossed
Is easier to cross again
I understood that anger snaked its’ roots in me and would not be stifled
Days of sleepless nights later
A life of headaches, itching, ulcer, fear and worry
I could not see myself
I had left
But
Taken her
And
Left me behind
Sleep starved epiphany at 3 AM
I purge my soul
Find my voice
Tell my story
Free my heart
Hoping to find me again
I decided
I had to find a way to purge my soul
Release the pain I’d claimed some two years before
She said to me, ‘It’s unfortunate but there’s a third party involved.’
In that moment
Life I’d known disintegrated
Nothing I loved would ever be the same
Lonely nights followed
full of resounding silence and uncountable tears
My heart wrenched in ways words could never suffice to explain
I watched her
Nightly
Go to another woman’s bed and
Daily
Return
No longer lying to me
But now to herself
And
Our Children
Nearly always back at 6 AM donning sleeping clothes as though she’d never left.
I rarely challenged but lived in hope
Eventually she would come home
Remembering
The vows we’d exchanged
It didn’t happen
The house we’d bought together
Transformed
A cage I wandered helplessly in
For days of sleepless nights
And wondered why
A million times I thought
I would trade places with Her to be the one she loved again
All the while She wanted to be me
Why?
She possessed what had been most dear to me
Both of us in captured orbit around the planet
That only one could claim
The Beast (as I came to call Her) became the new gravity maker
I became inconsequential
Cook maid babysitter
A wife to one who wasn’t a wife anymore
Fast forward in slow motion through months of sometimes fighting
And
Always hoping
Admittedly
I searched for love in other places
Found comfort in familiar and unfamiliar arms
And yet
I reached back
Here and there now and then
To see if courses could be changed
Broken things mended
The response
Always the same
‘I’ll think about it.’
No other words ever came
The night I poured my heart out about the emptiness she’d left me with
She told me,
‘Fill that space up with your children.’
I raised my hands to her in rage
She expected me to do what she had not
I understood then there was nothing left to do but leave
That line
Once crossed
Is easier to cross again
I understood that anger snaked its’ roots in me and would not be stifled
Days of sleepless nights later
A life of headaches, itching, ulcer, fear and worry
I could not see myself
I had left
But
Taken her
And
Left me behind
Sleep starved epiphany at 3 AM
I purge my soul
Find my voice
Tell my story
Free my heart
Hoping to find me again
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
FINDING MY CRADLE - for the TKIDZ
Part I
The call came
January 10th, 2002
I was at my desk
3 brown little ones needed a cradle
To rock them
and
Soothe them
Nurture them
and
Protect them
Educate them
and
Encourage them
Raise them
and
Love them
They needed a cradle
I had little experience with cradles myself
But I was willing to learn
And
I shared my task
with one who knew cradles
much better than I.
Originally,
we’d said we’d only take in one brown child
We had to take them all
Into our home
Into our lives
Into our hearts
Part II
When they brought them to the door
They were
Fuzzy
Out of focus
I could
Barely see
Where one of my little people began
And the next one ended.
Neglect clung to them
Shadow in a badly taken photo
Obscuring their personalities
But
Their spirits shone like angels
In spite of their past
They were my little people from that first moment.
We fed them
And
Clothed them
In hugs
and
In kisses
In attention
and
In care
The shadow subsided
And
They came rapidly into focus.
I became hazy in return.
I didn’t know how long they would stay
I didn’t know how much I might have to endure
If
They went home to their mother
In a gesture of hope,
We embraced her too
Hopeful
At least
If they had to leave
We might still have some
impact on their lives
Instead
She made a loving mother’s sacrifice
And
Gave them to us to cradle
Part III
As much as I knew
I would have died for them
(As the cliché goes)
I couldn’t bring myself to hold onto them
Not too tightly anyway
They might have had to go
And
Take my heart with them
I figured
Once we got the word they would be staying
I would begin to feel my cradle.
The day
came
and
went
No cradle.
“I’ll feel it once the papers are filed.”
“I will surely find my cradle then!”
Didn’t happen.
I knew how to defend, protect and pull all the punches
To play the ‘Mama Bear”
And
Give my children a voice in the noisiest of rooms
But
I was afraid to love them too much.
Afraid to cradle them to close.
Part IV
I struck another bargain
“The cradle will come when I see my name on the papers
I know it! Then I’ll find it.”
The papers came on Wednesday, November 17th, 2004.
I saw my name on the pages
Along with theirs
I did feel differently
But
Not in the way I expected.
Quietly I realized
I had been a cradle all along
Not the same as they left behind
Nor the same as they received from others
But
A cradle none the less
Now I know my cradle and
I am no longer afraid.
The call came
January 10th, 2002
I was at my desk
3 brown little ones needed a cradle
To rock them
and
Soothe them
Nurture them
and
Protect them
Educate them
and
Encourage them
Raise them
and
Love them
They needed a cradle
I had little experience with cradles myself
But I was willing to learn
And
I shared my task
with one who knew cradles
much better than I.
Originally,
we’d said we’d only take in one brown child
We had to take them all
Into our home
Into our lives
Into our hearts
Part II
When they brought them to the door
They were
Fuzzy
Out of focus
I could
Barely see
Where one of my little people began
And the next one ended.
Neglect clung to them
Shadow in a badly taken photo
Obscuring their personalities
But
Their spirits shone like angels
In spite of their past
They were my little people from that first moment.
We fed them
And
Clothed them
In hugs
and
In kisses
In attention
and
In care
The shadow subsided
And
They came rapidly into focus.
I became hazy in return.
I didn’t know how long they would stay
I didn’t know how much I might have to endure
If
They went home to their mother
In a gesture of hope,
We embraced her too
Hopeful
At least
If they had to leave
We might still have some
impact on their lives
Instead
She made a loving mother’s sacrifice
And
Gave them to us to cradle
Part III
As much as I knew
I would have died for them
(As the cliché goes)
I couldn’t bring myself to hold onto them
Not too tightly anyway
They might have had to go
And
Take my heart with them
I figured
Once we got the word they would be staying
I would begin to feel my cradle.
The day
came
and
went
No cradle.
“I’ll feel it once the papers are filed.”
“I will surely find my cradle then!”
Didn’t happen.
I knew how to defend, protect and pull all the punches
To play the ‘Mama Bear”
And
Give my children a voice in the noisiest of rooms
But
I was afraid to love them too much.
Afraid to cradle them to close.
Part IV
I struck another bargain
“The cradle will come when I see my name on the papers
I know it! Then I’ll find it.”
The papers came on Wednesday, November 17th, 2004.
I saw my name on the pages
Along with theirs
I did feel differently
But
Not in the way I expected.
Quietly I realized
I had been a cradle all along
Not the same as they left behind
Nor the same as they received from others
But
A cradle none the less
Now I know my cradle and
I am no longer afraid.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Some Thoughts on Conciousness
Ok, so I am in the midst of this explorative journey, and I am distinctly lacking in direction. I am a Christian and I believe in God. I also believe that God equips us to discover ourselves through personal enrichment activities. I look to my Bible for guidance and I pray for discernment, but I also have to put my own mind to use in the process. There is an old Russian expression , 'Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.'
That having been said, when I was in my twenties I was very suspicious of and skeptical about self-help books. I guess there was a part of me that felt my intellect should be sufficient to resolve any issues I might come up against. I was also regularly attending therapy and figured whatever needed to be resolved would come up therein. Now, at 32, I find myself gravitating towards the self-help section in my local book megastore. But those trips often leave me feeling entirely overwhelmed. It is unbelievable the plethora of topics for which self-help books have been written. From Dr. Phil (Self-Matters) to Stephen Covey (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) to Iyanla Vanzant (In the Meantime), all three of which I own, you can find a book to help you with just about any issue you face in life. It's a multi-million dollar industry. However, inspite of the reading I have done, I have only been able to glean fundamental concepts. There is no 'magic pill'. Self-discovery takes work. You can't read your way to knowing yourself, no matter how much reading you do. Action and deliberateness are required. My therapist refers to this as living conciously.
How do you go about living conciously? I believe the first key is to understand that you can't do it all the time. The emotional energy it takes to be present each and every moment would overwhelm the most grounded of people. To always be paying attention to what you think, say and do as well as always paying attention to the world around you is asking alot. Sometimes you just HAVE TO be on autopilot to give your brain an opportunity to rest. Lately I have been paying attention to how much I 'pay attention' and I have realized that I am barely concious most of the time. From rising in the morning to laying down at night, I am usually on autopilot. Through daily effort, I am trying to teach myself to be more aware. My goal is to train myself to navigate each and every day with my eyes as open and focused as possible. Autopilot is now reserved for the moments when my brain needs a break to recharge so I can be present for the next experience life throws my way.
That having been said, when I was in my twenties I was very suspicious of and skeptical about self-help books. I guess there was a part of me that felt my intellect should be sufficient to resolve any issues I might come up against. I was also regularly attending therapy and figured whatever needed to be resolved would come up therein. Now, at 32, I find myself gravitating towards the self-help section in my local book megastore. But those trips often leave me feeling entirely overwhelmed. It is unbelievable the plethora of topics for which self-help books have been written. From Dr. Phil (Self-Matters) to Stephen Covey (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) to Iyanla Vanzant (In the Meantime), all three of which I own, you can find a book to help you with just about any issue you face in life. It's a multi-million dollar industry. However, inspite of the reading I have done, I have only been able to glean fundamental concepts. There is no 'magic pill'. Self-discovery takes work. You can't read your way to knowing yourself, no matter how much reading you do. Action and deliberateness are required. My therapist refers to this as living conciously.
How do you go about living conciously? I believe the first key is to understand that you can't do it all the time. The emotional energy it takes to be present each and every moment would overwhelm the most grounded of people. To always be paying attention to what you think, say and do as well as always paying attention to the world around you is asking alot. Sometimes you just HAVE TO be on autopilot to give your brain an opportunity to rest. Lately I have been paying attention to how much I 'pay attention' and I have realized that I am barely concious most of the time. From rising in the morning to laying down at night, I am usually on autopilot. Through daily effort, I am trying to teach myself to be more aware. My goal is to train myself to navigate each and every day with my eyes as open and focused as possible. Autopilot is now reserved for the moments when my brain needs a break to recharge so I can be present for the next experience life throws my way.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Butterfly
An ugly wiggly earth bound thing
Searches for green life
And
Gorges itself
In preparation for change
As the chrysalis forms
Impermeable
A miracle begins
A different spirit
Emerges
From murky skin
Revealing
Beauty once hidden by
Unrealized transformation
This new creature
with wings
Flying
In spite
Or maybe because of
It’s beginnings
A magnificent unprecedented being
Looking out on a world of possibilities
From above.
Searches for green life
And
Gorges itself
In preparation for change
As the chrysalis forms
Impermeable
A miracle begins
A different spirit
Emerges
From murky skin
Revealing
Beauty once hidden by
Unrealized transformation
This new creature
with wings
Flying
In spite
Or maybe because of
It’s beginnings
A magnificent unprecedented being
Looking out on a world of possibilities
From above.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
I Can and I Will
Recently my mother moved to Florida after living within an hour of me for over 9 years. I went to see her before she left and she gave me a very special gift.
First of all, no one orchestrates a move like my mother. She has done it so many times, she has it down to a science. She packed up her ENTIRE house in 4 days. When I walked in thinking I was there to help, there was little left to be done. At first, this made me very sad. That she should be so adept at packing up her WHOLE LIFE is testament to the fact that she has done it many times before. Not only can she manage it quickly and efficiently but, as a long time friend of hers pointed out, she can also do it with LITTLE OR NO MONEY. It's amazing! When I mentioned to her that it made me kind of sad, she responded by saying she has always been one to pick up and move on to the next place. She's right. My mother is the 'rolling stone' in our family. Where I crave stability, consistency and settledness; Mommy is different. She is always prepared for the next adventure.
During my visit she told me that one of the reasons she was leaving was because she wanted my brother and I to be able to live our lives independent of her. The she didn't want her care and well being to be our responsibility. While I understand her logic there, I also bristled at the idea. I mean, she took care of us. We can certainly return the favor. I don't think I said that to her at the time. I love my Mom and I have always felt that her care should be my brother and I's responsibility when the time came.
She was afraid I felt she was abandoning me. That thought never crossed my mind. In life we have to do what we have to do to take care of ourselves. My Mom NEEDED to move to Florida for her own well being, financial security and sanity. She expressed that she wanted me to focus on relying on myself and my own strengths and to beleive more in my own ability. She gave me a mantra to put anywhere I needed it and use as my guiding phrase. I CAN AND I WILL.
I miss my Mom alot, but I have her with me all the time in this one little phrase. I can hear her saying it and see her smiling when she does. As I look at the work that I am trying to do now to find and reach my personal potential, my Mom gave me something fundamental to my success . . . I CAN AND I WILL.
First of all, no one orchestrates a move like my mother. She has done it so many times, she has it down to a science. She packed up her ENTIRE house in 4 days. When I walked in thinking I was there to help, there was little left to be done. At first, this made me very sad. That she should be so adept at packing up her WHOLE LIFE is testament to the fact that she has done it many times before. Not only can she manage it quickly and efficiently but, as a long time friend of hers pointed out, she can also do it with LITTLE OR NO MONEY. It's amazing! When I mentioned to her that it made me kind of sad, she responded by saying she has always been one to pick up and move on to the next place. She's right. My mother is the 'rolling stone' in our family. Where I crave stability, consistency and settledness; Mommy is different. She is always prepared for the next adventure.
During my visit she told me that one of the reasons she was leaving was because she wanted my brother and I to be able to live our lives independent of her. The she didn't want her care and well being to be our responsibility. While I understand her logic there, I also bristled at the idea. I mean, she took care of us. We can certainly return the favor. I don't think I said that to her at the time. I love my Mom and I have always felt that her care should be my brother and I's responsibility when the time came.
She was afraid I felt she was abandoning me. That thought never crossed my mind. In life we have to do what we have to do to take care of ourselves. My Mom NEEDED to move to Florida for her own well being, financial security and sanity. She expressed that she wanted me to focus on relying on myself and my own strengths and to beleive more in my own ability. She gave me a mantra to put anywhere I needed it and use as my guiding phrase. I CAN AND I WILL.
I miss my Mom alot, but I have her with me all the time in this one little phrase. I can hear her saying it and see her smiling when she does. As I look at the work that I am trying to do now to find and reach my personal potential, my Mom gave me something fundamental to my success . . . I CAN AND I WILL.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Deepest Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson, Return to Love
The first time I heard this quote was towards the end of the film Coach Carter and I had to go out and find it. I came across the original text in my search. It has profound meaning for me, especially right now, because I am trying to find a way to tap into the divine within myself, stop being my own worst enemy, reach into my soul and find my true potential. I am searching for that potential, as a parent, a partner, a lover, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a citizen of the world. I don't want to make any fundamental changes to who I am, I just want to figure out how to become more myself everday. I am choosing to have a positive impact on my own life in a very deliberate way so that I can have that same affect on others. From my perspective, this is the essence of what Marianne Williamson's is saying.
I think this kind of searching is part and parcel of personal evolution. Unfortunately, it is usually the diversity in life that leads us to the greatest growth. I am fond of saying that diamonds are formed under tremendous pressure. When we endure loss and face challenges, life is forcing us to develop in ways we haven't expected, anticipated or prepared for, but which are necessary to move on to the next level in our lives. I feel that life is refining and reshaping me to make the many facets of ME even more brilliant than they already are. The pressure on the coal is what makes it beautiful; without it all you have is an ugly brown rock.
At the same time as I am sure this is the case, I am lacking in direction. I am facing major life changes and I feel lost. Some of those changes are ones I need to make, have needed to make for some time others are coming whether I want them to or not and I need to prepare. At most junctures, I am controlled by my 'deepest fear' and I want to learn to step beyond it into the abundance I know my life has to offer.
I know I am not the only person who has found themselves standing at this crossroads. I know many have been here before me, many are right here with me and many will stand at the crossroads after me. No two of us will have the same experience. No two of us will go off in the same direction but all of us, hopefully, will find exactly the right path for ourselves through deep, meaningful reflection combined with a little dumb luck and alot of trial and error.
Goddess Bless me (and anyone else at the same place) on this necessary journey. It will be very interesting to share it with the readers of my blog.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson, Return to Love
The first time I heard this quote was towards the end of the film Coach Carter and I had to go out and find it. I came across the original text in my search. It has profound meaning for me, especially right now, because I am trying to find a way to tap into the divine within myself, stop being my own worst enemy, reach into my soul and find my true potential. I am searching for that potential, as a parent, a partner, a lover, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a citizen of the world. I don't want to make any fundamental changes to who I am, I just want to figure out how to become more myself everday. I am choosing to have a positive impact on my own life in a very deliberate way so that I can have that same affect on others. From my perspective, this is the essence of what Marianne Williamson's is saying.
I think this kind of searching is part and parcel of personal evolution. Unfortunately, it is usually the diversity in life that leads us to the greatest growth. I am fond of saying that diamonds are formed under tremendous pressure. When we endure loss and face challenges, life is forcing us to develop in ways we haven't expected, anticipated or prepared for, but which are necessary to move on to the next level in our lives. I feel that life is refining and reshaping me to make the many facets of ME even more brilliant than they already are. The pressure on the coal is what makes it beautiful; without it all you have is an ugly brown rock.
At the same time as I am sure this is the case, I am lacking in direction. I am facing major life changes and I feel lost. Some of those changes are ones I need to make, have needed to make for some time others are coming whether I want them to or not and I need to prepare. At most junctures, I am controlled by my 'deepest fear' and I want to learn to step beyond it into the abundance I know my life has to offer.
I know I am not the only person who has found themselves standing at this crossroads. I know many have been here before me, many are right here with me and many will stand at the crossroads after me. No two of us will have the same experience. No two of us will go off in the same direction but all of us, hopefully, will find exactly the right path for ourselves through deep, meaningful reflection combined with a little dumb luck and alot of trial and error.
Goddess Bless me (and anyone else at the same place) on this necessary journey. It will be very interesting to share it with the readers of my blog.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)